Mall Madness

By Slickwombat, with assistance from Frolixo and Ripoff. By "assistance" we mean gay horseplay. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It's a free country.

Keep running and shoot anything that moves.

Christmas is a stressful time. Family dinners abound, elderly relatives inexplicably drop dead, and relationship disputes arise over who gets that first cut of turkey with all the crispy skin. Nevertheless, it is a time of joy, love, and worship of Our Lord Jesus Christ who became the very first Santa and brought 3 wise Frankensteins to some shepherds or something.

The week immediately following Christmas, however, is a tribute to a much more powerful deity: the almighty god of consumerism. Instead of going to church, one worships this god in a more secular (and yet equally inspiring) structure: The Mall. In The Mall, one worships the brazen idols of modern life: a variety of crappy, overly marked-up products one doesn't need.

Unlike churches, however, The Mall attracts far more people than it can possibly accomodate, as parishioners line up to attain their items of worship at massive discounts. The result is crowds and lineups of truly massive proportions, bringing out the absolute worst in humanity. With that in mind, let's proceed to a review of the horrible creatures that inhabit such places: the dreaded MALL DENIZENS.

This is where Americans go to die.

1 . Somebody's grandma who has to return something but she's not sure why

This is inevitably an elderly woman who bought some sort of "technology" for a grandchild which was, for some reason, insufficient. "Technology" could be virtually anything that was invented after the mid-40s, but the worst products are of course video games and DVDs.

Regardless of the product in question, this Mall Denizen is capable of holding up any checkout line for at least 20 minutes while she attempts to gather her bearings in our futuristic world. It will be upwards of 30 if a store representative has to attempt to explain "Widescreen vs. Fullscreen" or the fact that there are different video game consoles.

2 . Mob of teenagers attempting to buy $3,000 in products with a handful of gift cards, a scratched up debit card, and eight bucks in change

Kids inevitably get a lot of gift cards for christmas these days, mainly from relatives who are uncertain what "kids are into these days". Most gift cards also come unmarked, meaning that they could contain anywhere from $5 to $1,000,000, and the only way to find out what's on them is to follow some sort of insane treasure hunt involving bar codes, the Internet, and the lost proto-Elamite language of ancient Sumeria.

Thus inevitably, the horde of teenage boys (for they always travel in hordes) attempting to buy a Playstation 3 and 800 games with what turns out to be about $50 in cheap plastic. Inevitably, it takes the clerk at least 10 minutes to sum up all of these cards. Another 5 or so for them to shruggingly deflect ten mopey, snivelly attempts to bargain before the Mob shuffles irately off to look at crappy sterling silver belt buckles in a nearby kiosk.

Keep it real with discount deals.

3 . Thug-like wigger who wants the store to know he's crazy like dat

The metamorphosis from depressed, angsty suburban white kid to Thug-Like Wigger is a largely unknown process. The major changes in plumage are well-documented, and mainly involve ensuring that everything worn is ill-fitting, set at the wrong angle, and covered with slogans or brand names. The behavioural changes are even more extreme, transforming quiet youths into loud, belligerent pricks whose favourite phrase is "FUCK, MAN" (pronounced "FOCK MeeeANNN").

Despite being an obvious criminal mastermind and extreme menace to the fabric of white society, the Thug-Like Wigger stills retains his suburban instinctive need to dwell in malls. Even here, however, he is forced to assert his intellectual and physical dominance by cutting in line, shoving little girls, and screaming obscenities at store staff who aren't willing to take his credit card without ID.

4 . Frightened Immigrant Family

Vancouver is home to many immigrants, who have a tendency to cluster into specialized neighborhoods so they never have to learn English or deal with the incomprehensibilities of North American life. Alas, however, they still have the innate human need to congregate in malls and buy lots of shit they don't need.

The fear and confusion of the Immigrant Family causes them to travel in a tight, slow bunch through the narrow aisles of the crowded mall, with the oldest and largest of them at the edges to protect the younglings from predators. The cursing from the resulting pedestrian traffic jams, fortunately, is lost on them.

Ummm can I just have my Dave Matthews CD please?

5 . 15 year old checkout girl suffering from major personal problems

Whether it's a tiff with the boyfriend, some mysterious high school drama, or just the hormonal awkwardness associated with adolescence, this pimply princess will manage to screw up virtually every transaction she is involved with. If you're lucky, she'll just mis-charge the irritable old man in front of you and you'll lose a few minutes while he retotals everything in front of her with a cheap pocket calculator from the mid-80s. If you're unlucky, she'll burst into a fit of sobs and have to be consoled by the plump store manager.

6 . 40 year old woman trying to do 80 things at the same time

Most people would say it's impossible to pay for a product, apply lipstick, hold a celphone conversation, search for a coupon, write down a phone number, drink a Extra-Hot Starbucks Gingerbread Cinnamon Peppermint No-Foam Lattecino, and control 3 screaming children at the same time. And they'd be right. The result of people who try is inevitably a series of catastrophes as one thing after the other gets dropped, and children stray off and knock over magazine racks.

Fortunately, the women in the middle of these whirlwinds of frenetic energy are usually able to clear everything up in a surprising hurry. Always maintain a careful distance, however, or you may be caught in the deadly Attack of 1000 Bony Elbows while she frantically digs through her purse.

It's like Lord of the Rings on PCP.

7. Seven foot tall scary dad with five evil children

The only thing worse than being headbutted in the groin by a toddler is being headbutted in the groin by a toddler whose father is seven feet tall, 300 pounds, and driven half-insane with lineups and mall crowds. An irritable ogre surrounded by mischievous goblin minions, the Scary Dad troupe travels in a loose mob spreading destruction and fear in their wake.

While the children knock over displays, manhandle other shoppers' purchases, and run around headlong at crotch-level, Scary Dad casts malevolent gazes at all the affected victims. He dares you to say something when one of his kids stabs you with a plastic robot. Go on, say "watch it!" or gently push one of his infuriating offspring away. This guy has five kids, a fierce paternal instinct, a short fat wife waiting at home eating turkey leftovers, and nothing to lose.

8. The permed enforcer

This is inevitably an upper-middle-aged woman with some form of elaborate hairdo and a frustrated maternal instinct. She will take it upon herself to enforce the Rules of Proper Conduct on any and all fellow shoppers. She is armed only with a shrill shriek, a set of shopping bags weighing half a metric ton, and long, lacquered talons.

Her natural targets include rambunctious children (making her one of the few natural predators of the Scary Dad), sullen teenagers, and uncooperative mall staff. All of these victims will receive extended scoldings, punctuated by menacing fingernail wavings and occasional pauses to reapply makeup. While this would normally make Permed Enforcer a force of order in the chaos of the mall, in fact these screeching melees only serve to further disrupt lineups as store management or mall security become involved.

9. Overbearing Kiosk Guy Selling Helicopters

You know, the guy who yells at you from 5 feet away as you try to pass by unmolested that this is a "CRAZY ACTION HELICOPTER" full of whimsy and magic that is only $19.99, and then pulls a string, sending the said copter flying up the mall atrium like Apocalypse Now gone gay. How many people have a clear objective in mind when they enter the mall, only to see this living pop up ad and drop everything to get a 20 dollar plastic helicoptor? My guess is parents of screaming children and the confused elderly.

Closely related cousin to the "Overbearing Sunglasses Kiosk guy Trying to Sell you $200 Oakleys"

10. Mr./Mrs. Hyperactive Foreign Lotion Salesperson

Barely speaking comprehensible english, these over-enthused denizens of the mall will quickly approach you trying to sell you some overpriced skin lotion, regardless of your gender and particular need for lotions. Be sure to keep all hands locked into pockets and away from them, as they will viciously slap for your arms with their ooze covered mandrels while inanely babbling about "smoof skeen" and "deescounts". If you are caught in their trap, it is best to feign your death and curl up into a ball on the floor until the beasts lose interest in you and move to hassle the slower geriatric populations.

My 42 New Year's Resolutions

By Frolixo, one man, standing alone, against all odds, fighting to save his family, and he's running out of time...

This picture has nothing to do with this article.

Every new year I set out to better myself and my overall quality of life. This always ends with me trying to hang myself with my underwear and a car fire. Well this year is going to be different. Instead of the usual 10 resolutions I make every year, I'm making 42, which is like, almost double. My life has reached such levels of unsatisfaction for myself and those around me that failure is not an option. This time it's serious and I'm out to take names and kick ass, but mostly take names because that is a lot easier. Lets do this.

1. I will refrain from cramming all that graham when not warranted.

2. Organize all my Journey tapes.

3. Find a better hiding place for my porn (stuffing it inside my computer case was causing fires).

4. Stop using the word "Negro" and start using the more PC friendly term "pigmently challenged".

5. Bury all my Manny Legece memorabilia.

6. Take up smoking so I can quit cold turkey.

7. Kill a man in self-defense.

8. Kill a man in self-offense.

9. Kill a mockingbird.

10. Figure out the infinite mystery that is lovemaking.

11. Win the state lotto and spend it all Razzels.

12. Start working out in real life instead of spending hours jogging with my elf in World of Warcraft.

13. Take the tarp off the bed. The nightly emissions are finished.

My elf thief is so thin and a great dancer. ~sigh~

14. Start writing death threats to Conan O'Brien for stealing my act of having red hair.

15. Squeeze lemon juice in my eyes while masturbating to Bavarian organ music.

16. Stop using absurd non-sequitur humor to get cheap laughs.

17. Blonde highlights.

18. Overcome my crippling fear of using urinals while next to other men.

19. Raise my free throw percentage from .187 to a healthy .320. If Shaq can do it so can I.

20. Renounce my Irish heritage and embrace my long neglected Polish side. You can't run from a "icz".

21. Finally go fishing with my father, even though he is dead.

22. Buy some new socks.

23. Grow a miniature human spawn with my wife once I figure out #10.

24. Start wearing a cowboy hat and make everyone call me "Tex" from now on.

25. Go outside and walk as far as I can before I succumb to the elements, causing thousands of dollars of taxpayers money for the dramatic rescue with full TV news coverage.

26. Go to the computer department at Best Buy and headbutt the first employee that rolls their eyes.

27. Have a box of Cheez-Its in my possession for over 2 days without being completely devoured.

28. Take care of all those corpses in the shed.

29. Have a crazy 3-way with Josh "Livestock" Boruff and David Thorpe and then afterwards feel ashamed and dirty and cry in the shower.

30. Try to update the SEI front page more than once every 5 years.

31. Build a wall at the border and kick all the Mexicans out, except for the ones that tend my lawn, make my food, build my roads, and generally make my slothful life easier with their spicy sweat and tears.

32. Redefine myself as a chaos-sexual warlock complete with a new wardrobe and pet ferret.

33. Get help for my BMS, or "Black Midget Syndrom". Both Gary Coleman and Emanuel Lewis have restraining orders against me, and for good reasons.

34. Clip toenails more often.

35. Create a new blog for tracking the progress of my Gastrointestinal Disease, complete with daily updates and a color-coded chart much like the Department of Homeland Security uses.

36. Also make a streaming podcast of my stomach noises to complement the blog, once I figure out what the fuck a podcast is.

We should let Matt Millen run things in Iraq.

37. Raise an army of mounted warriors from the Steppes to ravage mainland China in a campaign of blood, terror, and glory.

38. Learn how to "walk the dog" on a yo-yo.

39. Fly a plane into the World Trade Center. (Yeah, I went there).

40. Watch the Lions win the Super Bowl in 2007.

41. Make a resolution list for 2007. (COMPLETED)

42. Try heroin.

Pepperidge Piglet Comic